I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
