sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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