For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
