Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
