If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I think my moral compass just broke
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