Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
