giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
