I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
