I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
