haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
