im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize