so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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