if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
