I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
