Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize