did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
