so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
