There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
