The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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