Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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