May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
