I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I need water and some morals
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
