He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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