just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
