what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
