My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
