I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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