Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
