we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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