Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
