I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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