Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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