Little spoons don't ask big questions
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
