hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
