I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize