someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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