Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize