i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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