He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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