He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
