Four minutes until I can fart!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I AM VODKA MAN
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
