omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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