life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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