ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
