tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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