Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize