I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
