we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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