I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
