i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
