you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
