I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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