Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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