I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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