How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
