well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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