i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
