Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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