Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
