remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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